so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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