never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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