We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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