I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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