It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
