I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
