I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Dick very happy bro
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
