We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
