It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
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you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
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I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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