imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
