Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
