sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
