took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
