I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize