My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
