this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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