i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
