When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
