Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
