Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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