You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Randomize
