So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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