I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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