A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
