Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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