just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
