did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
