Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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