The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
