got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
