Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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