i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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