I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
