I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
