You made me cry and you don't even care
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
