I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
