On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
