I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
