I'm going to rape someone's good day.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
