It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
