Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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