Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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