everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
