So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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