Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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