I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
