i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
