There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
