in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
