if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
