I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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