I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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