I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
