Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
