I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
