first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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