3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
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No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
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I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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