I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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