i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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